Cult of the Year: The Mojonixonians
Songs like "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin" and "Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Child" made him a legend in the music business but, sadly, this was the year that Mojo Nixon retired from performing. Thankfully, he didn't sit still for long. In his trailer park compound in Mobile, Alabama, Mojo and his fourteen wives have begun a new life centering around his strict mandates of an all-beef diet, tantric sex, cheap beer, bad country music and the undying belief that Elvis is, indeed, everywhere.
Official Name of Cult: The New Mojonixonian Lightspeed Armada Of Grilled Cheese Faith
Cult Mission Statement:To bring enlightenment to a world lost in a morass of commercialism and emptiness. To destroy the Evil of MTV and VH1 and replace them with the poetry of "Land of the Lost" reruns. To put a song like "Redneck Rampage" in every living heart and inspire your dreams."
Quote: "We're not just some bunch of dirty hippies, man. We have principles. Elvis was the one true King and he has shown us the light that we have been missing from our lives. We need to eat more fatty foods, not less. We need to do more drugs, too. So when the U.F.O. Sasquatch Short Bus arrives with The King himself at the wheel, we can step on out to The Eighteenth Dimension in style, brother. Your award means nothing to us for we have seen the future and it tastes like peanut butter and bananas."
Link: Mojo Nixon Retires
Murder Weapon of the Year: As we all know, it was another banner year for murder and there were some pretty creative people out there finding innovative new ways to eviscerate and disembowel their victims. Thankfully, there was a whole new assortment of tools available as well. Our congratulations to all deserving nominees including The Black and Decker S2200 Chipper Shredder, The Kenner Sulfuric Acid Shooter and runner up The 500,000 Volt Motorized Electric Power Garrote. All were notable but all fell short of our impressive winner, The Sharktooth Machete, responsible for a landmark 143 different murders, maimings and assasinations this year. Congrats, big boy, you deserve it!
The Sharktooth Machete
Weapon of Choice For The Connoisseur of Savage Killers
All contents copyright 2004 Ken Socrates