BREAKING NEWS!

Intrepid KSWNO Journalist Uncovers Irrefutable Scientific Proof That The Pittsburgh Penguins Are A Bunch Of Stupid Bitches

by Chippy McGuinness

Disclaimer: the author responsible for presenting these findings would like the readers of this esteemed publication to know that the following has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers were eliminated from the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs courtesy of the Penguins. It is also not a reflection of the drunken stupor she has been in since minutes after the Flyers’ defeat. It is merely presented in the interests of truth, the pursuit of knowledge and a perfectly rational hatred of those flightless arctic water fowl residing to the east.

Their captain is the most hyped player in the National Hockey League. Sidney Crosby is constantly praised for his talent, vision and ability to handle pressure at a young age. He is the baby-faced, well-behaved package that helps sell the NHL to moms and dads. He convinces them to believe that if they bring their children to an arena, they won’t be exposed to grown adults referring to the visiting opponents as the closest thing to “fuckface” they can muster in a state of inebriation. Nor will they witness oversized men pushing, shoving and body-checking each other with such aggression, it often results in fighting between players. No. The “new” NHL promises to give them a family-friendly Ice Capades with sticks and pucks. And Crosby delivers.

He also cries like a baby to the officials every time he doesn’t like one of their calls, as evidenced in the carefully researched figure below.

fig. 1

Showing none of the grit and determination of his forbearers in the NHL, his example sets the tone for the entire team, with players like Evgeni Malkin and Maxime Talbot relying on skills and finesse to win. It’s the stuff of college and Olympic hockey, not the professional, hard-hitting sport that leaves guys bleeding and spitting teeth. With the possible exception of Eric Godard, there’s not a single guy on that team with a pair of balls (Matt Cooke doesn’t count on the grounds that he’s an idiot). A guy like Ryan Malone comes along, who can take a puck to the face (from his own teammate, no less) after having his nose broken and still play hockey. What does Pittsburgh do? They trade him to Tampa, a team that these days plays like they’re fighting harder for an early draft pick instead of the Stanley Cup.

The fans are no better. They consistently all but entirely abandon their team during drought years. If there’s no Mario Lemieux, Jaromir Jagr or Sidney Crosby to gape at, they’re gone, to the point where the Penguins have declared or neared bankruptcy on more than one occasion. There’s no respect, no pride and no moral support without promised wins from mega-players. What kind of candy-assed fans retreat like that?

Bitches do.

This is not the team that made its League debut with the likes of Leo Boivin. This is the team that can’t manage to win the Cup without the wizardry of Lemieux. The team that couldn’t intimidate a Girl Scout troop if they traded their sticks for automatic weapons. The Pittsburgh Penguins that, without the luck of the draft gifting them a superstar, are season after season crushed like a grape under the tires of a zamboni.

Like I said. Bitches. That’s not an opinion. It’s a matter of science.

Speaking of Hockey:

So, if you're not one those people really into Ballet and Bag Sniffing and you liked the above article, chances are you like hockey and you like it rough. If that's the case, you might want to check out Ken Socrates' latest misguided foray into sports reporting. It's called:

Hockey Gone Wild

Pop over and check it out if you're not a crossdressing croissant eater. You might want to do so soon because we're fairly certain that once Chippy discovers that Ken's treading on her turf she's going to come by with some garden shears looking to add to her Testes-in-a-Jam-Jar collection.

We always told you he was an idiot, didn't we?