The buzz around the 2007 event became palpable as soon as the high profile crook-nabber was named as this year's honoree for the much coveted award. Past winners such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Oliver North and Gallagher were all on hand to help celebrate their new compatriot in what is often known as the Pantheon of Penile Deficiency, a gathering of men who have truly mastered the art of distraction. Host Rush Limbaugh was set to introduce presenter Steven Seagal when, unfortunately, the obese mouthpiece for right wing fundamentalism succumbed to the effects of a weekend of prolonged prescription drug abuse and compulsive masturbation and fainted backstage. Luckily, Mel Gibson was on hand to help keeps things moving at a lively pace with a variety of ethnic jokes and pseudo-spiritual babbling.
Prior to the presentation of Mr. Chapman's award, numerous other phallically disabled dignitaries were given the much coveted statue, fondly nicknamed the Stubby, as winners in various categories. Lane McDuffie from Laconia, New Hampshire took home this year's Automatic Rifle Collection to Organ Length Ratio Award with a staggering count of 123 different weapons against a fully erect measurement of 5.7 centimeters. Rookie of the Year went to New York Market Analyst Wendell Northington III, who is known to date only special needs individuals, for his purchase of a fire engine red Hummer H1 Alpha replete with a rooftop hang glider rack, narwhal-hide seats and a separate plasma screen TV/DVD/Videophone for each seating postion. An extended portion of the event was dedicated to saluting the country's military and, as is always the case amongst the lesser endowed, a rabid sense of patriotic nationalism was on display. General Nathan "Launch Button" Kendricks was again on hand to receive a trophy for his work in Tactical Missile Development and Marlon "Torpedophile" Goughahan was named Nuclear Sub Captain of the Year.
The proceeding were, of course, capped off by the momentous presentation of Dog's monumental award. The rugged law enforcement wannabe was unable to be in attendance due to various legal entanglements but his wife and his wig were on hand to accept the prestigious honor in his stead. Beth Smith Chapman appeared to become very emotional as she stepped to the podium to speak for her husband. "You have no idea what this means to Dog. And to me. To be recognized like this...it almost makes all the suffering bearable." Her eyes were shining with pride as she held up the gleaming golden trophy, which is molded in the shape of a huge ancient obelisk. "This thing is going to come in very goddamned handy, trust me." The standing ovation that greeted her was emotional and thunderous, as a packed auditorium of teary eyed miniature penis owners thanked her for the kind of self-sacraficing loyalty to her genitally inferior man that gave the entire pathetic congregation at least some measure of fleeting hope.
It should be noted that Barry Bonds, once considered a shoe-in for the very same Lifetime Achievement honor, has been disqualified because of recent allegations that his own tiny manhood is a result of artificial depreciation.
© Ken Socrates 2007. All rights reserved.
Dog The Bounty Hunter Honored
By Small Penis Association
Anaheim - N.R.A. members, Hummer drivers, conservative talk-show hosts and high ranking officers from every branch of the country's miltary gathered at the Anaheim Convention Center last weekend for the annual symposium and award ceremony organized by the American Small Penis Overcompensation Syndrome Association. The highlight of this years proceedings, besides the highly competitive Rocketry Challenge, was the honoring of Duane Chapman, know to the worldwide reality TV watching populace as Dog The Bounty Hunter, with the much deserved Charlton Heston Lifetime Achievement Award. A consistent previous winner in categories such as Year's Most Obviously Inadequate and Best Muscle and Hair Diversion, Dog was finally bestowed the institution's ultimate symbol of respect for his glaringly public efforts to cover up his manly deficiencies.
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