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He's Over Here Now

Whatever:

Ken Socrates: Found Again
No longer absent without leave, our Vanished Leader has
returned to the land of the living and those of you human
oddities interested in what he has to say can find him now
most frequently at his blog and at Hockey Gone Wild,
where he holds forth on all manner of total nonsense.

Emergency Update:

Ken Socrates: Gone Missing
By Karl Socrates. It is under unfortunate circumstances
that we must now introduce to you Ken's respected uncle
Karl who has taken emergency control of the KSWNO
today as it has been announced that Ken Socrates has
gone missing. Read on as these shocking events unfold.

Notice:

Ken Socrates: Insane
The small, misguided few of you who keep up with the exploits
of the man for whom this organization is named via his blog
may have noticed his slow, downward spiral into paranoia and
madness recently. If not, please enjoy this brief, sad summary.

McGuinness:

Chippy On The Pens
The NHL Playoffs are in full swing and those of you with the
balls to pay attention will have noticed the untimely demise
of our resident Puck Mistress' favorite team at the hands of
skating super-baby Sidney Crosby and Co. Her reaction...

The Arts:

An Update From Mr. Pimplton
In another piece brimming with superior wit and social dignity,
Arts and Entertainment critic and all around intellectualist
Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III checks in with his latest
report on the vibrant Midwest Art Scene and his stimulating immersion in it. See why he's called The Elvis of the Erudite.

Dwight Cooter:

The Return of Mr. Manners
After an extended absence from these here parts, our
resident Etiquette coach and Cow Worrying expert
returns to give us some insight as to his whereabouts
during his leave and his ingenious plan to ensure that
he doesn't have to "go away" again anytime too soon.

Chippy McGuinness:

Bring Back Civilized Insanity
In her latest passionate outburst concerning her beloved
sport of Hockey, Chippy McGuinness rails agianst the
most abhorrent of all the modern NHL's moronic changes
to the game we love, The Instigator Rule. Join the fight.

Profile:

Dave The Bodyguard
By Ken Socrates. In response to the inexplicable amount
of curiosity expressed by our readership about the man I
employ to vouchsafe my personal security, I present to you
a brief glimpse into the life of the man we simply call Dave.

Moloko Plus:

Doctor Who Is Now Dead To Me
By Gorman Moloko. Listen to me now, Gentle Sentients, and prepare to rise up. An injustice of monumental proportions has been perpetrated upon an unsuspecting world and we are all now victims. A new Doctor has been named and it is a dark, dark day. Read on.

Update:

Ramblings From The Compound
After a number of harrassing, late night phone calls to various KSWNO employee's homes, we have reluctantly agreed to indulge our absent leader's inflated notions of reader's interest his self-indulgent textual noodlings over at The Ken Blog. Recent posts.

Notice:

The State of the Website Address
By Gorman Moloko. Gentle Sentients, as you are aware, I have recently taken over the editorial reigns of this site from Ken so that he may have more time to devote to his writing, such as it is. Allow me, then, to outline what you should expect from us going forward.

Sports:

Sean Avery, The Victim
By Chippy McGuinnes. After and extended "lost summer" spent recovering from the Flyers' early departure from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, everyone's favorite Puck Mistress returns to set us straight on the hottest topic in the NHL; Sean Avery's Mouth.

Special Report:

Jimmy Olsen Gone Wild
A new story from the Didactic Duo of Joe Hawaii & Gaylord "Ra" Fondue finds them blowing the lid off of the latest, raunchy sex- ploits of Superman's erstwhile sidekick Jimmy Olsen. This is the kind of thing you won't be reading about in The Daily Planet, folks.

Announcement:

A Blog From The Bunker
In a move that surprises no one here, Ken Socrates, deciding he needs a more direct outlet to communicate with his "readers", has officially become the last person on Earth to start a blog, as he holds forth from within his Northeast Compound. Check it out.

Darkfaulker:

Sophia The Utterly Wicked
Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has met a great many people during his travels. It is a notorious catalogue of characters that inhabit his extensive circle of friends and enemies but the most alluringly seductive of them is certainly Sophia The Utterly Wicked. Read on, brave one, to discover why.

Update:

Ken Retreats To Bunker
Indirect word has arrived to the KSWNO that it's erratic leader, Ken Socrates, has quietly returned to the country and is holed up at his Northeast Compound in what is described as a "serious mood". Those few details currently available can be found here.

Feature:

More Answers In The Dark
You asked for it. You begged for it. You sent in your questions by the truckload, little knowing the terrors you would unleash with your ignorance. Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has heard your pleas and responded once again. Ready or not, here are your Answers.

Mailbag:

A Love Letter From Hildy
The last time we heard from Ken's violent, psychotically posessive ex-wife Hildy Volstagg was shortly after her sabotage of his 2005 Antarctic Expedition when she somehow infected all three of the team's scientists with gonorrhea before departure. Now she's back.

Promotion:

Free Ken T-Shirts Now Available
Inspired by Ken's most recent stint behind bars, our hard-working promotions department has decided to meet the ongoing demand for Ken Logo Apparel with a new t-shirt designed to be both fashionable and functional; likely to come in handy 6-8 times a year. Get yours.

Contest:

The 2009 Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest
It's time once again to encourage rampant public humiliation of our loyal readership in the name of publicity as we begin our annual Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest for 2009. The barrage of early entries heralds another big year for worldwide fur hat and sunglasses sales.

Book Review:

1-800-CALL GOD by Brad Heath
Every once in a while a book or an author comes along that demands that we stand up and take notice. Last time it was Daphne Zuniga's compelling autobiography, Spaceballs, Scientology and My Mom, The Whore. This time it's even better. Check out 1-800-CALL GOD.

© Ken Socrates 2009. All rights reserved.