News

Timely stories of impact and import from every corner of this mad, chaotic,
spinning globe on which most of us reside. The Ken Socrates World News
Organization remains ever vigilant for the information you need to know.

Pure-Bred Prize Klingon Wins Best In Show
The prestigious Westminster Dog Show had a surprise winner this year as Ghackk, a majestic, pure breed Klingon bull stud, stunned all by taking the coveted Best In Show award. As controversy swirls around the chooice, Marion and Bobo Rhinesdorf, proud owners of the outstanding beast, remain jubilant. Complete story.

Man "Bummed" Over Abduction Break Up
Longtime alien abductee, Grady Tapper, of Montpelier, Vermont confesses that the state of profound melancholy that has envel- oped him in recent weeks is due to the abrupt, unexpected end
to his abduction experiences. As you might expect, the cold little extraterrestrial bitches won't even return his calls. The full story.

Parents Debate Educational Merits of Porn
A group of concerned parents in Pierre, South Dakota have filed a controversial motion with the local school board to remove porn- ographic studies from the curriculum of all area schools. Despite protests, there is mounting community pressure for a ban on all sexually explicit media from the classroom, even girl-on-girl. More.

Charlton Heston Arrested In Chimp Assault
Former film actor and NRA President Charlton Heston was app- rehended yesterday outside the San Diego Zoo when, armed with various assault rifles and militia gear, he rushed the chimpanzee cage in a furious rage, apparently intent on deadly revenge for the recent maulings in West Covina, California. The ugly details.

Professor Stephen Hawking: Mean Drunk
In a shocking revelation from Cambridge University, England, it has come to light that the world's foremost wheelchair bound genuis is actually a sodden, degenerate rabble rouser of galactic proportions. Any hopes now of a Grand Unified Theory seem to be swirling at the bottom of a half empty gin bottle. The tragic tale.

Sasquatch Busts Loose in Boston, Kills Four
In a story long rumoured and now confirmed, a rogue sasquatch creature has gone amok in the city of Boston, Massachusetts and killed four innocents including a cabdriver, two hot dog vendors and a catholic priest. The rabid man-beast is reportedly still at large. Full story here.

Eastwood Indicted In Shemp Howard Cloning Scandal
Veteran actor Clint Eastwood has been arrested for illegally obtaining and replicating deceased Stooge Shemp Howard's inert cells and producing at least fourteen bizarre clones. The sordid details.

New Serial Killer Targets Star Wars Geeks
The science fiction community is abuzz with disturbing rumors of a very real, very deadly, phantom menace as news that a serial murderer has been targeting those Star Wars fans who have already begun camping out in line for tickets to the May release of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The story in full.

Other Headlines:

U.S. Air Force Bombs Baltimore LARP, "Darkon" A Smoking Ruin

ABC's Caveman Sitcom Mercifully Euthenised By Writer's Strike

Tired of The Stereotype, Rabbits Start Humping Slow and Steady

Abe Vigoda Gets Massive Erection; Sadly, Wife Out of Town

Cattle Mutilators Break Silence: "We fucking hate cattle, man."

Adam West Batman Deemed 'Unrealistic' By Expert Panel

MENSA Sued For Discrimination By Coalition of Retards

Mickey Rourke Named TV's New Mr. Wizard

NASA Deep Impact Report: Inside Comet, More Comet Shit

Global Warming Update: Canadians Finding It Easier To Grow Pot

Andrew McCarthy Killing Spree Continues, Body Count Now At 24

Kellogg Announces Pop-Tarts Recall: "You don't want to know."