Gorman Moloko - Gorman Moloko is a writer who's career will forever be defined by the sheer passion and unflinching social conscience he brings to both his written work and his personal life. He has the distincion of being the last living person to defect from the U.S.S.R., even though he did so in 1993, years after both the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of the Soviet Union and in obvious spite of the fact that he was never a Russian citizen in the first place. It was a gesture of such nebulous, indecipherable political motivation that it is still debated to this day. His groundbreaking work on behalf of human rights issues worldwide has appeared in various domestic and international newspapers.

He was born in Birmingham, Kansas, to a family of hard working Chia Pet manufacturers, a trade he never fully embraced, much to the chagrine of his father, Jim-John, who scorned his interest in literature, leading to a bitter estrangement of the two. Inspired by his mother, Yinge, a part time columnist for the bi-monthly Kansas Beanie Baby Collectors Funzine and the writings of authors such as Thomas Pynchon, William S. Burroughs, Theodor Geisel and Carl Sagan, he enrolled as a literature major at Flint Hills Technical College where he was eventually expelled for mysterious reasons rumoured to involve practical jokes of questionable taste played upon various faculty member's wives.

It was at this time that he launched himself into freelance writing, supporting himself while working part time as relief staff at the Kentucky Reptile Zoo where he learned the hard way about the true, inherent evil nature of snakes and lizards. His first published work, a novel of fiction entitled Beef Jerky Meltdown (Burt Lancaster Press, 1984) was universally panned or simply ingnored by critics nationwide, with the exception of the Entertainment and Flower Arranging Critic for the Old Orchard Beach Times who wrote that it was "strangely mesmerising when you're on mescaline".

Since then, he has devoted himself completely to the soulful, mind-expanding journalism that has made him famous. He is the moral and ethical conscience of the organization, the voice in the back of our heads who speaks up when we go too far, perhaps losing sight of what is true and important in this world and says, "Hey!...remember the little man..."

Truthfully, though, we almost never listen to that voice. C'est la vie.

Ozzy "The Gut" McGurt - Ozzy ‘The Gut’ McGurt was born in Rock River, Wyoming in 1955, the illegitimate son of a rancher’s daughter and a traveling salesman. Ozzy was a giant from birth, entering the world weighing 16 lbs 8 oz. His mass continued to compound exponentially until, as a senior in high school, he measured 6' 6", weighed 380 lbs, and had shattered every state high school record for wrestling, football, weight lifting, steer wrestling, hog tackling, sheep throwing, midget tossing, cow tipping, and beer guzzling. He also became the first high school football player on record to decapitate an opposing player. All of this was accomplished while maintaining a 3.85 grade point average. It seemed that Ozzy was destined for greatness. Alas, it was not to be.

In what many refer to as a bad career move, after a long night of drinking High Plains Hooch (a disgusting home distilled spirit, made from prickly pear cactus, sage brush, and kerosene) Ozzy bet his drinking pals that he could stop a speeding semi tractor-trailer rig with his bare chest. Ozzy survived the stunt with no more lingering injury than a noticeable limp. That limp, however, was enough to make null and void the numerous football scholarship offers from Notre Dame, Stanford, Alabama, Colorado, Colorado State, Nebraska, Wyoming, Rutgers, Michigan, Michigan State, USC, UCLA, and nearly every other major and minor college in the United States.

Depressed and forlorn, Ozzy left his mother and the family farm behind, drifting throughout the country, taking whatever odd jobs he could find. Some of his more memorable jobs from this period include a brothel bouncer in Las Vegas, a semen collector on a Clydesdale stud farm in St. Louis, a tampon squeezer at the Florida State University STD Research Laboratory, and as Ronald McDonald in Coeur d’Lane, Idaho, the only job he was ever fired from, for frightening the children.

1974 found Ozzy in Los Angeles, working as a body guard for then phenomenally popular TV actress Adrienne Barbeau. While having lunch at ‘The Brown Derby’, Ozzy was spotted by Bruno Malcontent, manager for All-Star Wrestling’s hunky hero, Rod ‘The Bod’ Verstachenkovonovich. One look at Ozzy, and Malcontent knew he had found The Bod’s new nemesis. Ozzy jumped at the chance to make good money in the world he loved, the world of sports. His enthusiasm waned when he learned that Malcontent insisted Ozzy be referred to as ‘The Gut’. Money talks though, and Ozzy accepted the position.

All-Star Wrestling slowly gained popularity through the years. Ozzy’s salary grew by leaps and bounds. He was still a smart man, and tucked the cash away for the future, knowing that every athlete’s career, no matter how fabricated, was short lived. Ozzy wanted this career to be as short lived as possible. It cut him to the quick to be the villain, always booed, always hated, always spat upon. He came to loath his alter-ego, The Gut. He always swore that as soon as he made enough money, he would return to his mother’s ranch in Wyoming.

Ozzy’s career came to a screeching halt in 1980. On April 1, after an ASW performance in Phoenix, AZ, an ‘anonymous’ tip led police to arrest Bruno Malcontent, now the czar of All-Star Wrestling, for the murder of Malcontent’s lover and cocaine dealer, Vinnie Pistolero. It is rumored that as Malcontent was led from the arena in handcuffs, Ozzy was heard to mumble ‘April Fool’s, Bruno’. The ASW empire came crashing down, and Ozzy found himself out of work. Wise investments had turned a profit, however, and Ozzy was able to retire to the ranch in Wyoming as he had dreamed.

Today he still lives there, with his mother and their Swedish maid Elsa. Ozzy fills his time by writing, raising champion alpacas, instructing Elsa on how to ‘properly dust’, and shooting large caliber weapons at the local wildlife, all of which he has taken to naming ‘Bruno’.

Now the mastermind behind his own profound site nocandyasses.com.

Melma Frankengibson - Melma Frankengibson is a woman with a myriad of extraordinary talents and a lifetime of experience in all aspects of paranormal culture. She is, first and foremost, a powerful psychic with the uncanny ability to communicate with dead celebrities. As such, she has become the earthly representative for such deceased luminaries as Andy Kaufman, Toshiro Mifune, Screamin' Jay Hawkins and Billy Barty and is almost solely responsible for the recent popularity of the post-mortal entertainment industry. Among her other gifts is the ability to divine the future using nothing more than the unassembled pieces of a Mousetrap board game.

She was born January 3rd, 1956 in New South Wales, Australia to a large working class family. Her father, Barney Frankengibson, was a frustrated stage magician who never gained any renown and was forced to raise goats to support his wife, Shandra, and their eleven children. It was at the family farm in the foothills of the Snowy Mountains that Melma first discovered her "gifts" as she learned she could communicate telepathically with animals. At age seven she helped organize a goat rebellion, freeing over two hundred goats from her father's pens and letting them loose into the mountains. Shortly thereafter, the family sent her to attend boarding school with distant relatives near Dunfermline, Scotland where she spent the rest of her childhood.

It was there that she developed her many talents and soon became a local celebrity of sorts, regularly entertaining her co-workers at the cranberry juice bottling plant with after hours tarot sessions, palm readings and hellishly intense one-on-one mind melds. When she was able to track down the missing daughter of the town nobleman, Lord Willard McNaughtonhose, using little more than the girl's soiled prom dress, she was hailed as a visionary, regardless of the fact that the girl was actually located in Ibiza, shacking up with the family's young, greek riding instructor. Her career skyrocketed from that point and she spent the next few years living in London, hosting a regular Sunday evening program on the BBC called "Brain Samplers" and intermittently assisting Scotland Yard on some of the most important cases in the bureau's entire history. In 1987, after fourteen books, seven television series, three different feature films based on her life and countless lives saved, Melma "retired" from the public eye and moved to Northern California where, rumors persist, she secretly practiced her arts for a select, private clientele that included some of the most powerful, influential people in the modern world.

Seventeen years later she has emerged as the most respected paranormal talent that the industry has ever seen and continues to change the supernatural landscape of our culture. She is a tireless advocate for post-mortal rights, a constant ward against the dark forces of the netherworld and an ardent supporter of such charitable organizations as The Animal Consciousness Network, The Little People of America and The Rockin' Donkey Experience. As Executive Supernatural Editor of our organization, she at last holds a position from which she can properly influence, guide and instruct the world's ignorant population on the undeniable importance of the paranormal in all our lives.

She is also the owner of Wallace the Billy Goat, highly recognized by scientists and goat enthusiasts worldwide as the finest example of goat breeding and training on the face of the earth.

Willie T. "Don't Squeeze The" Sherman - Longtime financial and legal reporter Willie T. Sherman has cut a swath across the Southern U.S. always staying one step ahead of extradition and statute of limitations. He first became interested in reporting on his two favorite subjects, money and the law (the avoidance thereof), after being kicked out of law school for running a bestiality website out of one of the dorm rooms.

Journalism kind of fell into his lap when during a lap dance he read the following on a pack of matches: "If you can read this, you too can be a journalist. Contact the Journalist Institute..." Since then everything has been downhill. Sherman has written for a variety of publications who claim they've never heard of him. His career took a brief turn when he started doing PR for Arizona's Navajo Nation. Apparently, he was never hired to actually do this work and his "Red men are only really red on the inside" campaign insured his infamy and his inability to ever return to the West.

He is the leading force in the organization to restaff the "entertainment" section. He is also the leading force in the organization in sexual harassment lawsuits against a single person (a title he holds in 47 states, Canada, Greenland, and Easter Island).

Now rumored to be loosed affiliated with the wonderful Half A Pica Distance.

© Ken Socrates 2006. All rights reserved.