An enduring archive of past articles deemed too socially important
to simply throw away. "If we forget our past we are doomed to repeat
it", someone once said. In this case we will likely repeat it anyway
but, regardless, here is a partial record of what came before.

By Author:

• Ken Socrates
  
  
• Gorman Moloko
  
  
• Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker
  
  
• Stamford Buckforth Pimplton, III
  
  
• Joe Hawaii & Gaylord "Ra" Fondue
  
  
• Ozzy McGurt
  
  
• Chippy McGuinness
  
  
• Dwight Cooter
  
  
• Willie T. Sherman
  

Darkfaulker:

The Randy Freak Of Boggy Creek
Old friend and Earth's leading Paracryptozoologist Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker reports from Fouke, Arkansas where he and loyal assistant Fong Qui Fang have discovered the harrowing truth about the legendary giant hominid that has been stalking the local terrain and improperly interfering with resident livestock. The tale.

Darkfaulker Down But Never Out
Word has reached our offices today that ever stalwart comrade-in-arms Horatio Von Darkfaulker has temporarily fallen victim to a mysterious illness of unknown origin. Join us as we offer our support for a full recovery and plot our revenge on the fuckers behind this.

Sophia The Utterly Wicked
Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has met a great many people during his travels. It is a notorious catalogue of characters that inhabit his extensive circle of friends and enemies but the most alluringly seductive of them is certainly Sophia The Utterly Wicked. Read on, brave one, to discover why.

More Answers In The Dark
You asked for it. You begged for it. You sent in your questions by the truckload, little knowing the terrors you would unleash with your ignorance. Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has heard your pleas and responded once again. Ready or not, here are your Answers.

Joe Hawaii & Gaylor "Ra" Fondue:

Immigration Issues Plague Egypt
This just in from the twin desks of Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue, a torrid, relevatory article originating from the arid sand dunes and ancient ruins of Northeast Alabama that manages to once again unwrap mummified facts in the face of public denial.

Trump Weave Files Suit
More fiery controversy has come blazing out of Donald Trump's corporate headquarters this week but this time it has nothing to do with barking, unfunny, overweight lesbians or geriatric, has-been television journalists. This time it's serious. Ace reporters Hawaii & Fondue are right there to bust this story wide open.

The Soda Pop Divinity
Of all the miracles that Jesus performed, the most mysterious of them all, besides maybe bringing that guy back to life, was the changing of water into wine. The sensational new reporting team of Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue investigate the poss- ibilty that everything you know about the tale is wrong.

Jimmy Olsen Gone Wild
A new story from the Didactic Duo of Joe Hawaii & Gaylord "Ra" Fondue finds them blowing the lid off of the latest, raunchy sex- ploits of Superman's erstwhile sidekick Jimmy Olsen. This is the kind of thing you won't be reading about in The Daily Planet, folks.

1-800-CALL GOD by Brad Heath
Every once in a while a book or an author comes along that demands that we stand up and take notice. Last time it was Daphne Zuniga's compelling autobiography, Spaceballs, Scientology and My Mom, The Whore. This time it's even better. Check out 1-800-CALL GOD.

Stamford Buckforth Pimplton, III:

Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III
Blazing a trail alight with sophisticated wit and social dignity from the academic spawning grounds of Portsmouth, Ohio to the soiled intellectual netherworld of New York, we bring you our new Arts & Entertainment critic, renowned and respected thinker Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III. Stamford's cible du jour? Le Tube du Boob.

An Update From Mr. Pimplton
In another piece brimming with superior wit and social dignity,
Arts and Entertainment critic and all around intellectualist
Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III checks in with his latest
report on the vibrant Midwest Art Scene and his stimulating immersion in it. See why he's called The Elvis of the Erudite.

Dwight Cooter:

Mr. Manners With Dwight Cooter
It's common knowlege that Ken Socrates is always trying to help educate the dirt-kicking mouth breathers that populate most areas of America outside the borders of Massachusetts. To that end, we've employed a man skilled at speaking their language, such as it is. He's Dwight Cooter, folks, and he's gonna learn 'em real good.

The Return of Mr. Manners
After an extended absence from these here parts, our
resident Etiquette coach and Cow Worrying expert
returns to give us some insight as to his whereabouts
during his leave and his ingenious plan to ensure that
he doesn't have to "go away" again anytime too soon.

Chippy McGuinness:

The Bertuzzi Incident
The Ken Socrates World News Organization would like to proudly and formally introduce the new head writer of our Sports Dept., Chippy McGuinness. A girl who's gloves are always off, she's got more balls than most guys we know and a savage bloodlust for Old Time Hockey in all it's glory. Check out her stuff here.

Bonus:

Chippy's Ten Most Memorable Hockey Moments

Chippy On The Pens
The NHL Playoffs are in full swing and those of you with the
balls to pay attention will have noticed the untimely demise
of our resident Puck Mistress' favorite team at the hands of
skating super-baby Sidney Crosby and Co. Her reaction...

Sean Avery, The Victim
By Chippy McGuinnes. After and extended "lost summer" spent recovering from the Flyers' early departure from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, everyone's favorite Puck Mistress returns to set us straight on the hottest topic in the NHL; Sean Avery's Mouth.

Ken Socrates:

Meteorologist Goes Travis Bickle
Harvey Bozelle, popular Weatherman on WHDT TV Indianapolis, surprised viewers and station management alike Thursday night when he went live on air with a mohawk and delivered a grim, scathing rant that began, "Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads..."

Dream Team Assemble!
It's a call to arms, a cry for anarchy, a heraldic announcement of impending revolution. The KSWNO has now assembled together a collection of truly fearsome minds, the likes of which the Earth has never seen. Did you hear that, internets? Prepare to be pwned.

Apologies & Retractions
The Ken Socrates World News Organization is internationally renowned and respected for it's integrity. Of that, there is no doubt. It is also true that we are only human. As such, we may have made one or two minor print errors that require correction.

How To Talk To Chicks
By Brian Dennehy. Some men simply stand taller than others. Some walk with a certain potent swagger, a steely confidence that makes even the iciest, man-hating vixens moist and pliant. Some men are Brian Dennehy. Stand in awe of him. Listen and learn.

Google War Finally Ends
The bitter standoff between two of the internet's most respected bastions of free thought has ended at last, leaving a clear victor. Standing strong, bloodied yet unbowed, amidst the smoking ruin of the intellectual battlefield: kensocrates.com. A full account here.

Mass Exodus From Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
The recent induction of Madonna into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has illicited a swift, decisive response from many of it's current members, as a petition has circulated that will hopefully jack the no-talent trollop out of there so fast she'll have whiplash. The list.

Farewell To A Fat Man
We always knew this place was too small to contain the unstop- pable raging man-bulk that is Ozzy McGurt. So it's no surprise to us to learn that he is moving onward to a space that can more easily contain his ravenous rants of righteousness. Say hello to nocandyasses.com. Bookmark it now. If you've got the balls.

Dog The Bounty Hunter Honored
Duane "Dog" Chapman, has been given Lifetime Achievement honors at the annual Small Penis Overcompensation Syndrome Awards. The gruff pseudo-law enforcement wannabe has been a previous winner in numerous categories at the event over the years and is undeniably deserving of the prodigious accord. Details.

The Snork Exterminators
Ask yourself this question: Who do you call when you've got a massive Snork infestation threatening to destroy your entire home and family? Ask yourself another question: Is it possible to create an entire article around a single joke that's already been given away in the title? Watch us try.

Die, Ken Socrateez, Die!
Yet another Ken Socrates wannabe has launched his web site
on the internet and, as is our policy, we shall taunt him with a few brief moments of fame before the Legal Department slowly grinds every last fibre of his creative spirit into a fine, colorless powder they can sprinkle on their morning cereal. Take a peek.

Bucky Nards And The Roughouse Gang!
Meet Bucky Nards and his feisty gang of irrisistable neighborhood kids who simply can't seem to avoid trouble! They track down evil-doers, solve crimes, hunt for lost treasure, investigate ghosts and spy on anyone who looks like a foreigner! Join the Ken Socrates Official Junior Crimestoppers League today and be just like Bucky!

The Wedding Section
On January 7th, 2008 this organization's beloved figurehead will take his ninth turn on the matrimonail merry-go-round when Mr. Ken Socrates weds Ms. Chavenay Toitrouge in Paris, France. To keep our loyal, and surely bewildered, readership up to date on the whole developing fiasco we've created The Wedding Section. Check it frequently for the latest updates and scandals.

Road Trip Tragedy - It is with great shock and sadness that we are forced to report that a tragic bus accident has claimed the lives of seventeen members of the Ken Socrates World News family. In a related report, we are now accepting applications for almost all staff positions. Read more (or apply) here.

Space Dookie: Stop The Madness
Earth's astronauts have been using the space around our planet as their own cosmic toilet for years. The time may be coming when we will pay the most horrific price possible for those particular acts of pollution. More.

Merry Effin' Christmas!
Well, it's that time of year. Meaning it's time for the annual drunken free-for-all that is the Ken Socrates Corporate Christmas Party, held at Ritz Carlton Hotel in Boston last Saturday. A jolly time was had by all until things degenerated into a chaotic melee, as expected. Attendees asking Santa for brawls and nudity were not disappointed. A full account here.

Willie T. Sherman:

Love Down For The Count
The triumph and tragedy of the misunderstood man-mountain known as Gunner McKickass is poignantly explored by Willie T. Sherman in a surprisingly sentimental tale of love, loss and quiv- ering cellulite that proves finding love can be tough when you're 410 pounds with a mind ravaged by lead paint poisoning. Story.

That's One Hell Of A Truck
For all of our fellow degenerate bastards out there, Willie T. Sherman gives us a sneak preview of what we're likely to face when we finally shuffle off this mortal coil and step onto that long downward escalator to damnation. Put your shades on and see what awaits...

Hell Doesn't Take American Express
A hearty welcome to new Special Correspondent Willie T. "Don't Squeeze The" Sherman, legendary hard-hitting ace journalist and general malcontent. He's out of the gate fast with a fiery Corporate Watchdog report that's sure to set the financial underworld ablaze with scandal. Read on...

Mad Scientist Compound Raided
Details have leaked of a daring paramiltary raid on the island headquarters of the meglomaniacal uber-villian, Dr. Mordo Korvak, revealing a twisted plot of evil subversion that sur- passes even the most vile schemes previoulsy concocted by the most hideous would-be world conquerors in history. How bad is it? Two words: Mandy Moore. The traumatizing revelations.

What History Doesn't Tell You
The 40's and 50's were America's Golden Age. An age of inno- cence and morality where you could rely on your fellow citizen to do the right thing. Wrong. Wille T. Sherman exposes the seamy underbelly of a warped society using newly unveiled propaganda posters in his latest stunner, The Unknown Stories of WWII.

Miscellaneous:

The Socrates Awards:

Man Of The Year: Aquaman
"I am Aquaman and I am proud." You should be, Aquaman. Who stood taller than you this year? From your relentless protection of the world's seas to the caring, sensitive way you handle your interpersonal relationships with the Earth's fish population, you do it all. And hey, big guy, don't you look fabulous in that shimmery spandex top. You go, Aquaman!

Also:

Lady Of The Year: Sally "Bombs" McLoughie

Cult Of The Year: The Mojonixonians

Murder Weapon Of The Year: Sharktooth Machete

Wolfswayzetron

HST

© Ken Socrates 2009. All rights reserved.